With the Internet’s many open platforms solely designed for communication, there is hardly anything anyone can do or say that is not stored in a data bank hidden within the bat cave and more than likely forever. Information shared, no matter how innocent that person may believe it is, can be very simply taken out of context in another situation, even innocently. I believe couples who respect each other’s vulnerable secrets keep those between them. The very principle and honouring of individual boundaries between two people will result in an everlasting trust that can be relied upon for life. It is potentially, and in most cases humiliating and from experience incredibly damaging if one partner finds out that the other has told someone something that is private and ends up being leaked out to a wider audience for which that information was not intended. That is a massive problem when the person betrayed finds out about it at some later stage.
I find it difficult to share my emotions or thoughts with people. I suppose I am fearful that what I say will be heard incorrectly or used against me, thus I tend to keep those feelings tightly locked up inside. This is possible one of my biggest faults. Couples who acknowledge and embrace the fact that they can only fix and heal what they can see, will be better placed to face whatever distress, hurt and pain they might have at any time. Ignoring or avoiding issues is more likely to result in bigger problems down the road.
In any intimate relationship that I have experienced, the one thing I have noticed, now that I reflect is that as a couple we rarely have exactly the same needs at any given time, or feel exactly the same intensity when they occurred. Whether it was about sexual frequency, social preferences, external family obligations, distribution of assets, personal availability, or external unshared interests. With this in mind the real secret is to understand you don’t always get what you want but you must commit to being fair, compromise and negotiate the differences and do not invalidate your partners desires.
Every couple must share a parallel commitment to the same basic values that are unique to their relationship. Knowing that you will change, especially with age you must keep those beliefs up to date, and share openly. Without discussing first you can be sure down the line that there will be negative surprises and the feeling of exclusion for your loved one. Let’s face it we often disagree about how to go about expressing those agreements. Thus communicating any change is the glue to maintaining a successful relationship.
We all argue and feel hurt and anger when we can’t seem to satisfy our partner without giving something up that we want to hold on to. But, even in the midst of the most difficult moments, any resentments need to be replaced with compassion and support. That underlying support must be guaranteed, and it will grow stronger each time it is called upon.
All of us are self-centred and self-promoting at times and all behaviours are driven by a combination of altruism and selfishness at any one time. But I believe if you trust your partners basic self, know that the underlying commitment to care for the other is always underneath and available. The key is to be comfortable knowing that you know that you can ask for the sacrificing of those behaviours if you are in trouble. It is very easy to fall apart when stresses get on top of you and resources diminish. Sympathy and compassion is needed most during this time and one must be able to lean on each other’s strengths. I feel there must be an expectation that both people stay as strong as they can, but if either folds, the other is there to carry the load.
So many relationships end because one person thinks that the other isn’t trying as hard as they could to make things better. It is important to remember that tomorrow is a fantasy and that security is an illusion. When you part each time there is always the possibility that it may be the last but when you return there is a sense of gratitude.